Kudos to Google

My gmail took a shit yesterday. Instead of seeing very important emails. (DVDs have shipped, etc.) I was greeted with this:

Parse error. unterminated string literal at ./cs/caribouroot/java/com/google/caribou/ui/fin/jsdata/prefetch.js line 196:
" PF_cache_[PF_prefetchUrl_]);Parse error. missing ) after argument list at ./cs/caribouroot/java/com/google/caribou/ui/fin/jsdata/prefetch.js line 197:
} catch(e) {Parse error. 'try' without 'catch' or 'finally' at ./cs/caribouroot/java/com/google/caribou/ui/fin/jsdata/prefetch.js line 217:
TL_UpdateLabelCounts(threadid);

Considering I keep most information for contacts in Gmail, and use it almost exclusively, I figured I was completely boned. However, after submitting a support request which I assumed would be ignored, they had my Gmail working by the end of the business day.

I, for one, welcome my new Google overlords.

The 5 Stages of Diarrhea

So, you've just enjoyed a pleasant lunch and sit back down at your desk. Suddenly, your stomach, like the Trumpets of Jericho, sends out the groan warning that things may be amiss. As you stand up you realize you are experiencing a slight bit of discomfort in the gastrointestinal area.

Unfortunately, almost nothing happens on your first trip to the bathroom, but you know the worst is yet to come.

Stage 1: The Tease


After waiting an extra 10 minutes to verify, you sit back down at your desk. Things are definitely wrong, and before you can say, "Oh shit," you are back in the bathroom. The pain ratcheted up to a whole new level.

Stage 2: Harbinger


The cousin of The Tease, there's not much more to note about Harbinger, except that about 3 minutes after you are done you are going to experience:

Step 3: Let Loose the Dogs of War!
Finally, the full fledge onslaught of Diarrhea. You'll note that it will start to swirl and undulate like a hurricane. Also, another instance of the golden ratio, if you look closely. Finally, paint will probably start peeling off the wall, and most likely an unholy light will shine through them. Don't worry, you've only summoned the Cenobites.

Step 4: Revelation
If you wait even longer the truth will finally be revealed. You are dealing with Ole Scratch Hisself. The devil. For only the Devil could cause something so foul to come from your body. But don't worry, you get the last laugh.

Step 5: Redemption



Simply flush. Repeat as necessary

Anatomy of a Takeover Part 1: The Unannounced All Hands Meeting

It all starts when someone is sitting at their desk or cubicle working surfing the Internet, and receives a fateful email: "All Hands Meeting 11:00." Even though before this point there was no inkling that something is up, a sense of dread will quickly fill the building. More than likely people will start contacting others who are out of the office to let them know something is going down.

Theories will quickly spread. Most people will guess an executive is fired leaving the company for "better opportunities" or to "spend more time with family." However, the CEO wastes no time in letting everyone know that the company has been purchased. Not exactly the best news, but it could be worse.

"Who were we purchased by?" a brave soul in the back thinks to ask.
"Our largest Competitor," the CEO replies. Nothing is quite like the air being sucked out of the room, with most feeling like they were punched in the heart. Visions of standing next to the rubes in the unemployment line, or rubes thinking of now standing in line next to their cousins is on everyone's mind.

"So, when is the purchase complete?" someone else thinks to ask.
"This Friday," is the reply.

Then everyone gets told to go about their normal business. This is pretty much absurd. After announcements like this no one is getting work done. You'd think it would be best to let everyone go for the day (perhaps as a sign of things to come) than to mill about listlessly.

Oh, it should be noted that when your VP of Human Resources is named interim GM and the CEO starts crying, you're probably not going to be keeping your job.

Next: Anatomy of a Takeover Part 2: There's a New Sheriff in Town

So, I'm Applying for One of Those Things Where...People Sit and Do Stuff...After Which They are Given Money.

I figure now is as good of time as any to start possibly looking for some sort of future employment. (DVDs, unfortunately, don't pay for themselves.) Look, I don't like jobs and they don't like me...but it has to be done. Right now the score is even, but I found two prospects and might soon be oh-fer-two. Once I send out my R-E-S-U-M-A-Y-S, I will get a score tab on the right so everyone can track of my future failures. Enjoy!

Worst Uniforms Ever

Click for Larger Image

What you see above are the new uniforms for Ohio State, Syracuse, Florida, and Arizona. All I can say is that I see them lasting somewhere between 1 game and the rest of the season. The top half appears to be like a female Olympic swimsuit, while the bottom may honestly be a skirt. I don't think you can make those shorts any longer and baggier and still call them shorts. The Ohio State one is especially terrible. I'd really like to see all 300 pounds of LSU's "Big Baby" Glen Davis squeeze into one of these. I'm exhausted thinking about it.

"I felt as if I were asphyxiating in an avalanche of sagging flesh."

If someone said the quote above to you, would you want to see the movie being described? (No, it's not Grandma Gangbangers 87. In this case, the movie is Wild Hogs and the unfortunate soul who had to sit through the movie was Michael Sragow of the Baltimore Sun.) I would say no; however, stupid people turned out in droves this week (to the tune of 38 million dollars) in order to laugh at the comedic stylings of Vinnie Barbarino, Tim "The Tool" Taylor, "Black Knight", Ghost Rider, and uhhh...William H. Macy.

Hey look, it's a bunch of washed up (Sorry, William, I'll let this one slide) actors in a movie about a motorcycle craze that died down for most of the country 3 years ago! I wonder who gets in a misunderstanding with a "Hell's Angel" type? I wonder who will accidentally knock down a row of bikes making every one run for their life? I wonder who'll get caught selling drugs and spend time in prison? (Oh, wait, that's Tim Allen.) I wonder which one will forget to pack some Depends and have to borrow a slightly used pair from John Travolta? (That's Xenu juice to you, pal.) I wonder how many American Chopper t-shirts were in the crowd? (Over half, probably.)

Thankfully, there was some counter-programming for the few of us (13.1 million dollars) who aren't easily placated with the loose jowls of Travotla in the form of Zodiac. It took something that could be done in a very boring way (based on the Zodiac serial killer from the late 60's in California), and made it very interesting and suspenseful. It also stuck to the facts reasonably well.

So, if you want to use your brain and see a good movie, see Zodiac.
If you hate your life and your self-loathing knows no limits, see Wild Hogs.

From the News Desk: Donuts are Tasty, but That Tasty?

Fresh, warm Krispy Kreme donuts sure are delicious (assuming you can find a store that's still open), but I'm not sure I find them as good as they do down in Augusta, Georgia.

1 Dozen Krispy Kreme Donuts - 7.99
Lower cal wheat donuts - 3 extra years of life
$500,000 FCC fine - Priceless $500,000



(click for full image)








Credit to: UWeekly

Don't Order Online from AT&T

I have a general disdain for my local cable company. They don't do anything too egregious, I suppose, but the way they nickel and dime customers is annoying. Currently, I have digital cable, HD service, DVR, and Internet through them to the tune of over 120 bucks a month. Recently, someone discovered that one can receive DSL through AT&T for substantially cheaper AND they also offer VoIP phone service for the same price as Vonage. (I use Vonage.) This seemed like a no brainer to me.

Through the entire process (Online and on the phone before talking to a human) AT&T urges people to order their services online to get better deals. I'm sure this is an attempt to keep call volumes low. I noticed that if you lack an AT&T land line, the DSL packages went from the 20 dollar range to the 50 dollar range. I couldn't figure out why anyone would get VoIP service from them as well, because you would still end up paying over 70 dollars for the whole package. (Why would you get a land line when you use VoIP for your phone service, outside of wanting to help out AT&T shareholders?) What's the "CallVantage®" of that, exactly?

After getting in an argument with an automated voice recognition system, it mercifully and soullessly transferred me to a warm body. She was kind enough to inform me that they don't even offer VoIP, because they were still operating on SBC's system.

Confused about how SBC and AT&T are related? Let Stephen Colbert explain:

Deregulation Sucks! | Send To Friends | Animated Cartoons at JibJab

If I would have taken AT&T/SBC/Cingular/Whatever's advice and just ordered online, I would have had to have gone through the hassle of not only disconnecting my previous services, but then sending all of AT&T's shit back AND resigning up for all the old ones. Fuck off, AT&T.

An 8:30 A.M. Meeting? That Seems Like a Bad Idea

It seems I've missed some sort of medical insurance meeting. I probably could have dragged myself in here in time, but I forgot. Oh well, it's not going to be worth going through all the motions to sign up for cheaper COBRA (Where's Cobra Commander?) insurance...since COBRA is insane. It's so much easier going with Blue Cross/Blue Shield. If you need to supply your own insurance find the Blue Cross for your State HERE.

Don't say I've never done anything for you.

I See One of These in my Future

The Hole - video powered by Metacafe

The Wheels are Coming Off...Literally.

For the last few weeks I've been dealing with the steering wheel in my car vibrating at annoying levels. It was so bad that my keys would vibrate as well, and I'd have to hold them in order not to go insane and start running people off the road.

Anyway, my first thought is to take them to a local tire place and have them rotated and balanced. Start simple and work my way up, and if there's something more serious going on then they would notice. That's what I told myself. So I get that done, pay my money (36 dollars), and drive off.

Well, wouldn't you fucking know it? My steering wheel is still vibrating. Obviously, the balance and rotation did nothing. (More on this later.) A week later (yesterday) I call my local dealership and have them look at it (Staying vague about the problems so they can fish it out more.) It turns out that I have a bent right front wheel. Hey, and it's only 517 dollars! Wow! A bargain!

Oddly, the service manager words it in a way that suggests that he actually fixed it for free. (I have witnesses, I'm not insane.) So, I hop in my car and off I go. I'm guessing you can see where this sordid tale is going. Nothing had changed, except the exponential rate that my blood pressure was rising...and that twitching in my right eye that suggests I might start going Private Pyle on my respective Gny. Sgt. Hartman car people.

Finally, today, I go back to the dealership for clarification. (Yes, I would need to get a new wheel.) I re-affirm which wheel is the problem (front - right), and try to find a cheaper wheel.

Lo-and-behold, I do find a place that can get a reconditioned wheel for about 200 bucks cheaper, but wants to check it out first. I take it in, and the first thing the manager says is, "Well, we took the right front off, but that one is fine. Are you sure it's that one?" So, after having them check all the tires, we discover it's the front - left wheel. (Not that right, your other right.) After moving that wheel to the back, he throws in another nice tidbit. "Yeah, and your wheels weren't balanced either, so we did that for you." So, now he is searching for a wheel for me.

Let's review.

1. I take car to get a balance and rotation done at a place called Tireville.
2. Rubes at Tireville "finish the job" but don't notice any problems.
3. There is a problem.
4. Not only is there a problem, but they didn't even balance the wheels.
5. Never go to Tireville.
6. ??????
7. Profit

Update: Because I'm sure the two people who read this REALLY care. "New" wheel tomorrow. 300 bucks. Excelsior!

Shirking Responsibilites

About a month ago someone who now works at the oppressing company's main office sent a request of certain customer information. As it turns out, this list ended up being 39MB in Excel, which is not exactly something that can be emailed easily. At first, I just ignored it for a week and then agreed to FTP the file. I never really sought a solution to the ftp issue, and after another week said it would be easier to physically mail the file. Since then, I still haven't gotten around to mailing that file out.

Any bets on whether I can ride this out another 33 days?