The Scorpion and the Frog

One day a scorpion arrived at the bank of a river he wanted to cross, but there was no bridge. He asked a frog that was sitting nearby if he would take him across the river on his back. The frog refused and said, "I will not, because you will sting me."

The scorpion replied, "It would be foolish for me to sting you because then we would both drown."

The frog saw the logic in the scorpion's words, and agreed to carry the scorpion across. But, when they were halfway across the river the scorpion stung the frog. The stunned frog asked, "Why did you sting me? Now we will both die!"

The scorpion replied, "Because, I am a scorpion. It is my nature."

RIP Larry 'Bud' Melman

So very funny.

English Newspaper Confirms My Suspicions

According to the Telegraph, heavy metal music has been found to be "a comfort for the bright child." As someone who has listened to metal since the teenage years I've known that most metal offers a wider range of lyrical topics than normal pop music and the perceived notion that it's all about Satan is incorrect. (Of course, some of it is about Satan. Hail Satan!)

Stuart Cadwallader, a psychologist at the University of Warwick, explains:

Participants said they appreciated the complex and sometimes political themes of heavy metal music more than perhaps the average pop song. It has a tendency to worry adults a bit but I think it is just a cathartic thing. It does not indicate problems.

Now, some people will point out that a lot of miscreants and scum listen to metal as well, but I would counter that there's a lot more people listening to pop music that's just as bad. It's all about perception. There's stupid people who like all different kinds of entertainment.

Also, while some kids in the article said that it helped them with stress or to cope with being socially awkward, I can fall asleep by it, so perhaps I'm just a little strange. If you're looking for some good bands speaking about things such as corruption and government check out Countdown to Extinction by Megadeth, ...And Justice for All by Metallica, and Ashes of the Wake by Lamb of God.

Like you have something better to do.

What's Going on with Jenna Jameson?

She looks like Latoya Jackson with AIDS now. Gah.

Carlos Mencia is a Terrible Hack

You may not know, but Carlos Mencia Ned Holness (also referred to as Carlos Menstealia), the edgy Mexican Honduran-German spends more time stealing jokes than writing his own. Partake of the latest example:


Carlos Mencia Stealing Jokes From Cosby - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

It takes pretty big stones to rip off Bill Cosby, that's for sure.

This all came to a head last month when Joe Rogan called out Ned on stage at the Comedy Store. Apparently, George Lopez isn't very fond of Mencia's act stealing either.



Somehow this got Rogan banned from the club. Makes sense, right?

Lamb of God Concert Craziness

Last Thursday saw me in a club watching Gojira, Machine Head, Trivium, and Lamb of God. In what is becoming a trend I had to attend this concert alone, and I knew that it would be completely insane. I also knew the opening band would be relatively calm, so I found a spot where I could lean against a wooden walkway and endured Gojira. Gojira is a metal band from France. While tolerable, they aren't really my cup of tea. The highlight of their set being Randy Blythe of Lamb of God coming out of nowhere to sing on one song.

During the break in sets, I ran into a Lamb of God member while I was coming back from the bathroom. (This happened twice. Both times it was too late before I could say anything. Oh well.)

Machine Head put on a good show, and it was their first time in Indiana, which seems crazy since they've been around for almost 15 years. People were actually chanting for the band and knew the words to the songs. I was surprised that I wasn't the only fan there. Anyway, the situation started getting hairy when Trivium started their set. Things were relatively civil up to this point, but we were over 2 hours into the concert and that is how long it takes for the shirtless, overweight meatheads to start feeling a buzz from all the beer. Needless to say outside of the main mosh pit, a smaller "satellite" pit started right in front of me. Keep in mind that it is so jammed full of people there's no where to go, so you just have to keep your eyes open and push people out of the way when they get near you. (See diagram 1)


Diagram 1. My fun Trivium experience.
After dealing with that for an hour, and knowing that Lamb of God would be even crazier (especially since Trivium sucks ass) I decided to move behind the barrier this time. Problem was I was now standing in the aisle of a main thoroughfare, and people are always walking nonstop. Where are they going? Who the hell knows, but there's a show going on, fuckers! Christ, so annoying. While this protected me from the dumbasses who crashed into man, woman, and floor with reckless abandon, it did not protect me from a few other things. The first being someone almost overturning a trashcan on to my head. I felt the beer start to spill, and at first assumed someone had thrown their cup (which happens a lot) but I moved out of the way and then the trashcan crashed to the ground. While I wasn't drenched, it's never fun to have backwashed beer running down your face and shirt. There's not much you can do but wipe it off and keep watching the show. Next, a fist fight broke out right next to me. I didn't experience any collateral damage, but one of the perpetrators was pushed into a waitress whose tray was smashed into her face. Everyone feigned concern (she wasn't even bleeding) and continued on watching the show.


Diagram 2. Lamb of God

As for Lamb of God, they put on a really good show. Some sound problems at the start (which makes no sense, what was the half hour sound check for?) but then an hour and half straight of metal. "We don't do encores, this isn't a Limp Bizkit show." Hey, you know you've been to a good concert where your shoes are sticking to the floor from dried beer.

Hey, why not one more?

Another reason to visit Eastern Europe: Lewandowsky-Lutz dysplasia. A delightful little disease where hard growths sprout from lesions on the skin. What causes it? Who knows?

There are some pluses to this situation:

• It does sort of resemble Doomsday from Superman.
• Probably gives really good back scratches.
• Impresses the ladies.
• Uhh...hmm.
  

I found this man, and other than his hands and feet, he looked and seemed in good health. As best as I could gather these growths began when he was 14 years old, and began in the area of his wrists. The skin on his wrists and the back of his hands resembles that of a hedgehog - hundreds of spike like growths. The problem is much more severe on his palms and fingers where the growths resemble very much that of nails infected with a fungus. The growths have that same texture, smell and feel. I cut a number of the largest growths off, most of witch did not bleed. Some of the smaller growths did bleed a small amount and he seemed much more sensitive to the cutting of the smaller growths.

From: Here

Nipple Foot Meet Arm Penis

My apparently new obsession with human oddities continues with arm penis. According to the article, though, this was done artifically:

The doctors had the penis removed and attached to the man’s arm. Using his body tissue it grew to six-and-a-half inches and was sewn back on to his groin. Silicone tubes were inserted into the organ to ensure an erection was possible. Doctors also created a scrotum from the patient’s own skin and placed silicone testicles in it.

There's actually so many jokes going through my head right now, I'm going to just leave it to you to make one up. Enjoy the wonders of ARM PENIS!



From: Mosnews

Strange Things are Afoot

Come one come all and see the amazing foot nipple! Amaze your friends! Not for the faint of heart! Stimulation with every step! A foot fetishist's nightmare fuel dream.



From: Dermatology Online Journal

The Picks

As many know, I'm defending NCAA pool champion.

Click for the full view of victory. No cheating.

300: A Review

There's been a lot of anticipation for the latest Frank Miller (see: Sin City) graphic novel adaptation: 300. While technically the story is based on the...well, it doesn't even matter, because this makes no attempt at being historically accurate and really isn't the point. The story starts with a "Persian" messenger warning the king of SPARRTTAAA, Leonidas, to kneel before the Persian Empire. Obviously, Leonidas, a grumpy kind of guy who tends not to wear armor during battle, isn't in the mood to bargain with the most African looking Persian I've ever seen. (Perhaps he was confused by this) and kicks the messenger down a bottomless pit. (Which is madness!)

Unfortunately for Leon, before he can send his troops to war he must consult a council of elders. They, in turn, consult an oracle. (By oracle I mean hot, naked chick) She writhes around for awhile before breathlessly whispering that war is not an option. Bummer! This leads a completely sad and completely naked Leon to pine the state of the empire before laying the pine to the Queen a few minutes later. (Heavy is the brow that wears the crown, indeed.)

Luckily for SPARRRRTAAA!, the king is quite cunning and is able to circumvent the Oracle's whims and takes his finest 300 troops (get it? get it?) on a nice stroll through the mountains and rough terrain to the sea, where coincidentally, the Persians are going to land! What a lucky break! Along the way, they run into Quasimodo, who fancies himself a Spartan. (Go back home, Frenchie!) Needless to say, he gets kicked out faster than a SPARRRTAAAAN! can chuck a spear at an enemy from 30 paces.

What follows next is a lot of battle scenes set to heavy metal music. It's also very much like a video game in the sense that it seems that there are "boss battles." Level 1 they face a mindless horde. Level 2 they face a giant. Level 3 they face an unnerving amount of estrogen, etc. During these battles we get to meet the Persian king Xerxes. I would say he's about 9 to 12 feet tall, blacker than Wesley Snipes, and about twice as effeminate as RuPaul. Just what you picture in a Persian.

There's sort of a plot in there somewhere, but it's really secondary to slow motion shots of people being beheaded, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. The violence and cinematography is highly stylized and it looks like the comic book jumping right off the page. Much like Sin City, many shots (and most dialogue) are taken straight from the book. It is definitely one of the highlights of the film; however, Robert Rodriguez handles the Sin City material better than Zach Snyder handles 300. This makes sense because Rodriguez is a better director. Oh yeah, and Faramir loses his eye.

All in all, I'd say go see it. I bet it will look awesome in Hi-Def.

So, I made one of these today.

In the old days this unchristian devil device would have gotten you burned at the stake, or at least stretched on the rack. But hey, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. If you are bored and want to be labled a heretic make one today!



Click here to make your own: Dragon Optical Illusion